What’s Love Got To Do With It

The in's & out's of online dating by our online datee! - Words by Becky / Picture by Kat...

hayley-savvy-sand-38
If you live in London and have a heartbeat (and loins), you will probably have heard of Tinder. And Happn. And Bumble. And maybe Bristlr – my new fav that is literally just a scroll hole of men with beards. You may also, like me, enjoy dating – mainly because dressing up all pretty and talking about yourself isn’t really a hardship (and because it might be nice one day to actually have someone to share all that Chinese food with that you order on a Saturday night)... So why, you ask, with so many dating options, are we not all loved up and living in a two-bed semi in Surrey? Well…

My story is the same as many other glittery-eyed, fashionistas who moved to London 4 years ago with a degree under their Primarni belt and a few stone less booty in their jeans – I had an insatiable thirst to become top of my game whilst expecting to simultaneously meet and marry Tom Hiddleston. However, the bottom line is, it seems a booming PR career severely impacts on your chances of finding a fella ... unless you are a fella looking for a fella (which we totally champion - who doesn’t love the thought of their two interns getting together so you can go full out Carrie and wear a women’s tailored tuxedo to a wedding?!) Anyway, I digress. So, a little while back (maybe a little bit more than a little) after month upon month of complaining to anyone that would listen that I was NEVER going to find a man in a city which hosts a rather large population of them, my housemate made a suggestion. Internet dating.

I laughed at her and carried on riding my high horse. But once a seed is planted my friends, all of a sudden you are living high up in a oakwood and someone has carved e-Harmony into it… I carried this little gem of an idea around with me for a few days and asked a select group of London friends what they thought of the idea, already bracing myself to become the laughing stock for even suggesting it. But guess what? It turns out everyone is on them. In fact I am pretty sure you can't get into some London nightclubs unless you are on one. How had I lived in London for so long without one they asked? So one night I decided to see what it was about. Creating a profile is the most cringe-worthy experience ever. These people don't know you and so everything you say makes you sound like Britney post meltdown. Needing a little support and advice, a friend told me to remember the following when writing a bio.

 THINGS TO THINK ABOUT WHEN WRITING YOUR BIO...

*(vague disclaimer – this is all meant in jest, don’t freak out):

"I like going out with friends" = Heavy drinker

"All my partners have been younger than me" = The younger ones ask less questions about why I am always on the singles table at weddings

"Some college" = Dropout

"I’m sporty” = My god, please don’t ask me which ‘sportys’ I’m into. Is Quidditch actually a thing??

"Musician" = I religiously watch the X Factor every year

"I like to walk everywhere" = Cant afford a car

"My friends say I am a good laugh" = Your friends use you to buy rounds, see you in Infernos pal

"I am training to be a doctor/physicist/dolphin trainer..." = Girls dig that right?

Once your bio is complete, you have to write a strapline; good ones include... "Good sense of hummus", “if you were a soup, what type of soup would you be?” and "I'd be great in a zombie apocalypse" bad ones include "I'll be your Mr Gray" - dude you look like a murderer and "Are you looking for me?" - only if you have the phone number of Prince Harry.

Remember adding a realistic profile picture is important – if I read one more “if you don’t look like your picture you are buying the drinks until you do” strapline on Tinder I will freak, but in a round-about way, it is important you actually look like you in the picture. Things to watch out for on the ol’ piccy front:
 THINGS TO THINK ABOUT WHEN UPLOADING YOUR PICTURES...

Photo of you in your bedroom - I have just taken this right now

Photo of you drunk – This is me every Saturday night at Infernos, accept me or move on (yes, I enjoy an Infernos reference, what of it?)

No top on (boys...) and face not showing in profile - I look like the back end of a donkey but hope my cheese grater abs make you forget that

No top on (girls…) – Really? Jodie Marsh?

Posing - I think I’m Christina Aguilera back in the Diiiirty days / Channing Tatum as Magic Mike. Unfortunately the truth is often a lot harsher….

You with your ex - This is what I am looking for, only apply if you are my ex trying to get me back / I haven’t always been on a dating website

So, once picture, strapline and bio are complete, you can upload and wait for the messages to roll in. Ohhh you think, Tom Hiddleston is around the corner, I am sure of it! So you click on the first few profiles. All of them look like they belong in prison. You ignore 99%. You forget some men are actually good looking and message back to the ones who would look alright at the cinema with you - if it was dark... and you were looking at the screen. The messages you receive are RIDICULOUS. My favourite ever..."Hi BECKY, I like the look of your profile and thought I would start with an easy question to get us talking...so, what's your name?"...

Telling people you are on a dating website is hilarious. The reactions range from SHOCK HORROR to a hearty pat on the back. My Dad thought it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. My brother told me 50% of couples meet through dating websites. My mother has all but installed a barbed wire around my house to stop me from leaving and going on a date with what she has decided are Fred West re-incarnated and using a dating website...

So there you have it. Web dating in a nutshell. I gave the whole thing up many moons ago and went back to app dating, as it lost its shine in less than a month ...and I have lost all faith I had in the male species. No I do not want to watch you work out, but thank you so much for asking. But I INSIST you try it for yourselves, as it is not only pretty funny, but a great way to meet people – I do actually know some amazing couples who met their husband / wife on a dating website.

Just remember, be nice to others and hope they are nice back. Don’t put yourself in a dangerous position - meet in a crowded place, don’t give out personal details, don’t’ let them pick you up/drive you home. Just be smart. And also, before you are quick to judge, just ask your friend's what they think...because I have seen most of them on there…

What are your internet dating stories? Any funny ones to share? Or are you another #TinderSuccessStory? 

7 Comments

  1. Josie 29th September 2016 / 1:05 pm

    This post is really interesting and light-hearted – definitely got a good few laughs out of me here and there. I’ve never used online dating (apart from the odd look at Tinder for a laugh) but do know a lot of people who do! I think a lot of people are quite skeptical but they’re becoming really popular and useful these days and I think unless you know someone personally who’s had a success with it, the idea of it can go either way! Might just have to have a go!

    Josie

    JosieVictoriaa

    • Hayley 30th September 2016 / 10:30 am

      Thank you for your lovely comment as always Josie! Definitely give it a whirl – I met my boyfriend on Tinder (Hayley), and know so many other people who have too! Completely understand that it’s not for everyone though! x

    • Hayley 30th September 2016 / 10:29 am

      Thanks lovely! 🙂 x

  2. Josie 3rd October 2016 / 6:58 pm

    This was so funny to read! My friends are always trying to get me to do online dating/apps so we went on Tinder last night and the amount of people who we know have partners who were on it! So bad, has ruined what little faith I had in love haha x

    Josie | Sick Chick Chic

    • Hayley 4th October 2016 / 11:11 am

      I know what you mean love, I saw SO many people I knew had partners on there it’s so bad! On the flip side I met my BF on there so it’s worth persisting sometimes 🙂 x

  3. Gabrielle 5th October 2016 / 5:03 pm

    This was such a good read- I absolutely LOVE your style of writing! Personally, I can’t say I’ve ever tried online dating in any shape or form (…yet), though that certainly doesn’t take any enjoyment away from reading other people’s stories/experiences!!

    Gabrielle | A Glass Of Ice x

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