Living With Depression & Anxiety

A diary entry on how I feel living with anxiety and depression! - words by Amy / picture by Hayley...

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So, I suffer from anxiety and depression. There i said it. (strap in guys this is not a happy post - soz in advance). I was so worried about posting this because worry about what other people think, and there is still such a stigma surrounding these issues. I still have close friends and family members that have no idea how I feel. It took me a long time to admit it to myself.. and to actually admit that I needed help. I know that it started about 5 years ago after the death of my mum. Understandably I was absolutely devastated, but I didn't quite realise how different my life would be. Who does after losing a family member? And I definitely didn't deal with it properly in the first year without her (getting stupidly drunk, sticking with my possessive ex boyfriend, and being embarrassed to express how bad I was feeling).

So yeah I think thats when it all started, when the bad days started to outweigh the good. I know we all have bad days, but my bad days slowly felt like bottomless black holes that I would never be able to get out of. I kind of started to feel like my life wasn't mine anymore, not in my control. I’d have an absolutely awful week where I sobbed myself to sleep every night and cried as soon as I woke up, struggle to even get out of bed, panic attacks.. it was pretty horrendous. I’d just feel as if there was no point in my existence. Then, as if the fog of depression had just disappeared, I’d shake it off. Not feel so depressed. Look back at the state I was in and almost laugh - WHAT was that all about?! See things in a different light and just get on with life as if the week before I didn't want to wake up.

Eventually after a long time of feeling so up and down,I had a panic attack at work one year and my dad practically dragged me to the doctors kicking and screaming, he signed me off work for a little while and prescribed me anti depressants. Which I didn't take properly in the fear that I’d become ‘addicted’ and be determined that I would start to feel better on my own. To be honest, I just didn't want to be the person on antidepressants. I attempted counselling - and by that I mean that for 2 months I sat in a room once a week with a bloke that hardly spoke for the whole hour, resulting in me feeling awkward and just waffling utter shit, willing the session to be over so I could go and cringe in private. After the first few weeks I pretended I was feeling better so I wouldn't have to continue the sessions after my initial review, pretended I was back to the wont-shut-up, bubbly smiley Amy. Then I saw a private councillor about a year or so later, and again didn't stick to it because I just couldn't face how I was actually feeling about life, it scared me. So thats how it went on for years. Drifting through life not really knowing what I was here for.

5 years on from my mums death and here I am, still struggling after burying my true feelings. I know now that its something that just wont go away by me ignoring it, and maybe it never will completely. It all came to a head again a few weeks back after having a panic attack in the car (not ideal as my driving is below par on a good day). So this time I've decided to face my problems head on, life is just too short and I want to enjoy it and live it to its fullest. So in summary, thats how Im feeling at the moment. I want to share my journey with you all, in the hope that someone feeling the same can relate and that by me sharing my experiences, it will help them too.

Plus it feels pretty good to get this off my chest so.. thanks for reading, love, Amy xx

 IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW IS SUFFERING AND NEEDS HELP - PLEASE DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE!

If you need someone to talk to, please feel to drop us an email on: Frockmeimfamous@gmail.com and myself or one of the girls will respond to your email, depending on who's situation closely matches your own so we can offer any advice! *Please note that we are not trained to offer advice, we are merely offering support through our own experiences. If you need urgent help or advice we would recommend to contact Mind - please not that this is NOT sponsored, but Mind are a charity that various girls from the FMIF team have used and we whole heartedly support them and everything they do!

 IF YOU NEED URGENT HELP PLEASE REACH OUT TO MIND ON: 0300 123 3393 OR VISIT THEIR WEBSITE HERE

11 Comments

  1. Leta 27th September 2016 / 11:12 am

    You are really brave for sharing this online. I just want to say to you to stay strong and don’t be afraid to talk about this. Depression and anxiety are evil things and they can easily manipulate us and our happiness. I hope that you’ll overcome all of this soon and will be 100% content with yourself 🙂 x

    -Leta | The Nerdy Me

    • Amy 30th September 2016 / 1:41 pm

      Hi Leta thank you for your really sweet comment that means a lot! I hope so too xxxx

  2. Kelly Glen 27th September 2016 / 11:31 am

    Having lived with depression and anxiety for over 20 years I know just how much a struggle day to day life is most of the time. It is good to hear that you are going to try and beat this illness once and for all.
    Take care and all the best.

    • Amy 30th September 2016 / 1:40 pm

      Hi Kelly I’m so sorry to hear that – you must have had to deal with so much!!!! Yep so determined now, want to do everything I can to help myself! Take care xxx

  3. Josie 27th September 2016 / 5:11 pm

    This is very brave and inspirational of you to share your story, and it does help knowing that you’re not the only one going through it and that you’re not alone. I can relate to some of the things you’ve written about, about feeling helpless and anxious and crying. And I was never good at therapy either, I’d always not really be truthful – not intentionally – because I didn’t want them to feel uncomfortable or I felt embarrassed admitting my feelings and just wanted it to be over so I could cry and wallow in peace.

    It’s so good that you can recognise the feelings and choose to face them and overcome them directly. Do share your story if you find things that help or if you feel comfortable, because I still don’t have great coping strategies sometimes.

    I found this post really helpful and inspiring and I really hope you feel better soon and can push the depression away!

    Josie

    JosieVictoriaa

    • Amy 30th September 2016 / 1:38 pm

      Hi Josie – I’m so so glad this helped you in some way that’s exactly what I was hoping for! Maybe you could start a diary? After writing this post it felt so good, so maybes writing down how your feeling will help you too? Take care xxx

  4. Laura 27th September 2016 / 10:03 pm

    Hi Amy,

    I think the fact that you’re even talking about this so openly is a massive step forwards for you. I hope it’s just the one of many to come, although don’t feel pressured to have to “get better” too quickly – baby steps are definitely the way to go in my opinion!

    I’ve suffered from depression since I was a teenager, so over 10 years now. I went to different therapists (my last one I saw for over 3 years and she was really great) since I was 15 and I can honestly say that even if seeing them won’t “cure” you, it will lift a massive weight off your shoulders, even if just for a little while. If you don’t feel like you’re ready to speak to a therapist, maybe try talking to someone you know instead, if you would find that easier? Speaking to someone who can be objective can really put things in perspective and help you get to the root of the problem.

    Some problems are fixable, some I’ve just had to learn to live with. I’ve definitely been struggling with the latter, but just recognizing the issues have helped so much! I’m much less harsher towards myself now and whenever I have a really, really bad day (or a week) I try not to beat myself up about it – the biggest lesson I’ve learned that it’s okay to have bad periods, but that doesn’t mean I have a bad life. It sounds so simple but it really was a revelation for me!

    Sorry – I didn’t mean to ramble on so much! This post just really made me think about my experiences in depression and reflect a little bit. If you want, I’m always willing to listen and talk more about these things too! x

    Laura Middle of Adventure

    • Amy 30th September 2016 / 1:36 pm

      Hi Laura, thanks so much for your comment! I am definelty ready to speak to a therapist now after my horrible experience before. And you are completely right about baby steps, I think I expected myself to feel ‘better’ overnight which just ain’t gona happen! Thankyou for your advice xxx

  5. Emily 27th September 2016 / 10:37 pm

    I commend you for sharing this! Definitely don’t be ashamed. I know quite a few people who suffer from one or the other and it’s hard to talk about. I think being online is sort of a safe haven for all that stuff. Bloggers and YouTubers are so supportive! One of my favorite YouTubers has anxiety (Kathleen Lights) and talks about it all the time. I love reading the encouraging comments. So don’t give up lady, and keep going! Sometimes sharing can be the best medicine. And even though not everyone understands, you might be able to make them see metal illness in a different light. Hoping to read more on your journey. 🙂

    -Emily http://www.coatandcoffee.com

    • Amy 30th September 2016 / 1:33 pm

      Thank you lovely! It does feel so good to have spoken out about it, and luckily I have amazing friends who are so supportive and hearing from lovely poeple like you xxx

  6. Jenny Cole 3rd October 2016 / 2:02 pm

    It’s great that you have been able to share this hun. I’ve struggled with mental health problems for around 13 years now, and it can feel incredibly scary. I’ve been through my fair share of therapists and counsellors, a lot of whom I just haven’t clicked with and therefore haven’t found helpful. All I can say is – keep looking. Somewhere out there will be a counsellor/therapist that you feel comfortable with, and when you find them it will make a real difference. I remember finding a psychologist I really got on well with, and all of a sudden all of these thoughts and feelings just came spilling out of me. It was scary, don’t get me wrong, but it helped to get all these things out of my head and talk about them with someone else. I really hope you’re able to find the right therapist soon. Keep fighting the dark days,

    Jenny xx

    http://www.jaffacat.co.uk

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