So, I suffer from anxiety and depression. There i said it. (strap in guys this is not a happy post - soz in advance). I was so worried about posting this because worry about what other people think, and there is still such a stigma surrounding these issues. I still have close friends and family members that have no idea how I feel. It took me a long time to admit it to myself.. and to actually admit that I needed help. I know that it started about 5 years ago after the death of my mum. Understandably I was absolutely devastated, but I didn't quite realise how different my life would be. Who does after losing a family member? And I definitely didn't deal with it properly in the first year without her (getting stupidly drunk, sticking with my possessive ex boyfriend, and being embarrassed to express how bad I was feeling).
So yeah I think thats when it all started, when the bad days started to outweigh the good. I know we all have bad days, but my bad days slowly felt like bottomless black holes that I would never be able to get out of. I kind of started to feel like my life wasn't mine anymore, not in my control. I’d have an absolutely awful week where I sobbed myself to sleep every night and cried as soon as I woke up, struggle to even get out of bed, panic attacks.. it was pretty horrendous. I’d just feel as if there was no point in my existence. Then, as if the fog of depression had just disappeared, I’d shake it off. Not feel so depressed. Look back at the state I was in and almost laugh - WHAT was that all about?! See things in a different light and just get on with life as if the week before I didn't want to wake up.
Eventually after a long time of feeling so up and down,I had a panic attack at work one year and my dad practically dragged me to the doctors kicking and screaming, he signed me off work for a little while and prescribed me anti depressants. Which I didn't take properly in the fear that I’d become ‘addicted’ and be determined that I would start to feel better on my own. To be honest, I just didn't want to be the person on antidepressants. I attempted counselling - and by that I mean that for 2 months I sat in a room once a week with a bloke that hardly spoke for the whole hour, resulting in me feeling awkward and just waffling utter shit, willing the session to be over so I could go and cringe in private. After the first few weeks I pretended I was feeling better so I wouldn't have to continue the sessions after my initial review, pretended I was back to the wont-shut-up, bubbly smiley Amy. Then I saw a private councillor about a year or so later, and again didn't stick to it because I just couldn't face how I was actually feeling about life, it scared me. So thats how it went on for years. Drifting through life not really knowing what I was here for.
5 years on from my mums death and here I am, still struggling after burying my true feelings. I know now that its something that just wont go away by me ignoring it, and maybe it never will completely. It all came to a head again a few weeks back after having a panic attack in the car (not ideal as my driving is below par on a good day). So this time I've decided to face my problems head on, life is just too short and I want to enjoy it and live it to its fullest. So in summary, thats how Im feeling at the moment. I want to share my journey with you all, in the hope that someone feeling the same can relate and that by me sharing my experiences, it will help them too.
Plus it feels pretty good to get this off my chest so.. thanks for reading, love, Amy xx
|IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW IS SUFFERING AND NEEDS HELP - PLEASE DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE!|
If you need someone to talk to, please feel to drop us an email on: Frockmeimfamous@gmail.com and myself or one of the girls will respond to your email, depending on who's situation closely matches your own so we can offer any advice! *Please note that we are not trained to offer advice, we are merely offering support through our own experiences. If you need urgent help or advice we would recommend to contact Mind - please not that this is NOT sponsored, but Mind are a charity that various girls from the FMIF team have used and we whole heartedly support them and everything they do!
|IF YOU NEED URGENT HELP PLEASE REACH OUT TO MIND ON: 0300 123 3393 OR VISIT THEIR WEBSITE HERE|