What It REALLY Feels Like To Be Cheated On

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This post has been brewing for quite some time now, I recently read a similar post on the lovely Em’s blog and it sparked some emotions inside of me that I needed to let out. To share with you all. 

I debated posting this because whenever I write something personal, I massively open myself up for judgement. But that comes with the job I guess. This is my little space on the internet where I can publish how I’m feeling, to share my thoughts.

This post is not a dig at my ex, nor the girl he cheated on me with. Because as always, this is not about others, it’s about me, and how it made me feel.

I wanted to publish this as it’s a subject so raw, that has affected myself and so many others. It occurs everyday, everywhere - far too often for my liking, but it’s life I guess. 

So, let’s talk about what it feels like to be cheated on…

Rewind to a stifling hot day last summer, I was heading out to meet my then boyfriend to talk ‘about stuff’, my world was about to fall about and I didn’t even know it. We sat in his car and I remember the words so vividly coming from his mouth, that he had feelings for someone else. That he’d slept with her. 

I couldn’t even translate how I felt in that moment even if I wanted to, it was the most surreal day of my life. I was angry, I was broken, my head hurt, my heart ached, everything was spinning and I felt so incredibly sick.

My mind went into overdrive, a million thoughts at once, unable to process. To understand. 

How? Why? Was I not good enough? Was it something that I did? Something I didn’t do? Did I make him doubt me? Did I let myself go? Had our relationship become stale without realising it?

At first, I felt like everything pointed at me. Like it was my fault. Like I wasn't quite capable enough of making him happy. Of satisfying him. Of keeping our relationship alive. 

The worst feeling was the humiliation, everyone knew what had happened and the reason we had split, I felt like I was walking around with a giant sign that said 'I'm not good enough' - I felt that people would look at me and think 'maybe she wasn't a good girlfriend' or 'maybe she wasn't enough'. It's bad enough questioning yourself, but to feel that people are looking on and judging for themselves was just as bad. 

Then I quickly became to realise, that it actually wasn’t me. It was him

You know that age old saying; ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ - when it comes to cheating, I truly believe the roles are reversed; ‘it’s not me, it’s you’ and that’s how I felt.

And I think that’s how I found the strength to move on. I knew I wasn’t a bad girlfriend, I knew I had an incredible career and so much going for me. I knew it wasn’t a reflection on me, I think it was a case of ‘grass is greener’, maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Who knows. Sometimes I don’t think people realise what they have until it’s gone. And that makes me sad.

It makes me sad that people act on impulse without too much thought as to the consequences of their actions. That there’s so much distraction. With social media and the internet, people can successfully live two separate lives, and it’s so scary. When did we stop becoming enough for each other? There’s too much option now. Why have one girl when you can have 3? It makes me sad for the future, for our future and our children’s. 

My nan met my grandad when she was 17, they married within a year and are still happily married 50 years on. I’m not naive enough to think that relationships are perfect. Sometimes they do crumble, they crumble under the pressure of everyday life. Of work. Of the strain of having children. But what makes me sad is that rather than trying to fix what you have, people are easy to jump ship, to find something better. 

I truly believe that when people cheat, it’s their weakness, so if you’re reading this and it’s happened to you, don’t ever for one second think it’s something that you did or didn’t do. Because believe me when I say, it was not your fault.

Ben was also cheated on. Twice. We have a super open policy relationship because both of us realise how important it is to talk about our feelings. To be open with each other. To trust each other, relentlessly.

We’re human, it’s perfectly normal to be attracted to other people. Ben knows I’d bang Tom Hardy in a heart beat if I could. Well hypothetically speaking anyway. Because I wouldn’t, and it’s a fantasy. But it’s important to establish fantasy from reality. 

I got chatted up with my friend in Starbucks the other day by two guys (on a press appointment LOLZ), and I came home and told him, he thought it was hilarious. I didn’t tell him to make him jealous, or for a reaction. I told him, because I tell him everything. Because he’s my best friend. I believe it’s important to have trust and honesty, the two key things to make any relationship work. Truly work. 

This post was a bit of a ramble and I’m sorry about that. It was an overspill of feelings. Of how it made me feel then, a reflection of what happened now. Even though I couldn’t see it at the time, what happened to me turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I pushed myself in my career, to travel the world and now I’ve met the man of my dreams.

Sometimes, things have to fall apart, for better things to fall together. Even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time. If you’re reading this and you’ve been cheated on (scarily most of us have been through this which is terrifying!), I’m sure you can related to how it feels. 

And I’m sure you came out the other side shining brighter than you ever have before. Because what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Share your stories with me girls, tell me how being broken shaped you into the incredible woman you are today, tell me how it made you realise just how strong and beautiful you are, how it made you realise you deserve to be treated like a princess and you won’t settle for anything less. Because you shouldn’t. Ever!

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10 Comments

  1. Erin 30th May 2016 / 4:50 pm

    I’m so proud of how far you have come since you first posted about this, I can completely relate, my ex was cheating on me with a girl he swore was “just a friend” I have never been so angry with myself. It has taken me years to realise that it wasn’t me, it was him. you are so right.

    What does make me giggle is that my ex reads my blog. At first I felt violated, how dare he read something that is mine, but now it makes me laugh, I couldn’t give a crap what he does, but he clearly cares about my thoughts on the latest Too Faced release lol. I’m sure your ex will keep up with yours, just hold your head on high, and no he cant ever get you down again 🙂

    Erin || MakeErinOver

    • Hayley 31st May 2016 / 2:31 pm

      Thank you SO much Erin for your lovely, lovely comment! You have been with me every step of this journey and I’m so glad to have you along for the ride! It saddens me that so many of us have been through the same thing, but look how amazing you’re doing now too, super proud of you lady! <3 x

  2. Danielle 31st May 2016 / 1:17 pm

    Thanks for sharing this. I was directed to this post by Erin and no one really knows, but during my domestically abusive relationship I was cheated on too. I can’t imagine how it would have been if he had outright told me like your ex did, but when I finally escape from the abuse, the fact that he had cheated multiple times was what spurred me on to never look back. It is ALWAYS the cheats fault if you ask me. They are the ones that must have the problem if they can’t just act like a grown up and end it before galavanting around.

    You sound like such a strong and successful person. I’m glad this past hasn’t negatively affected you. Plus, look how gorgeous you are!

    xo

    • Hayley 31st May 2016 / 2:32 pm

      Hi Danielle, I’m so glad to have you here on FMIF as a new reader! I’m so, so sorry to hear about that, it sounds like a super toxic relationship and I for one, am SO glad that you’re out of it now! I completely agree with you, it takes strength and love to act like a grown up and to stay committed! Ah thank you, that’s so lovely! x

  3. Scarlett Dixon 31st May 2016 / 1:38 pm

    This is so well written and perfectly captures being cheated on, because it’s such a hard time to put into words! You are SO right – and I’m sure this post will help so many people. I’m so glad you’re so happy now and doing so well – you totally deserve it! One of the most lovely and genuine girls around!

    Lots of love!
    Scarlett xx
    http://scarlettlondon.com

    • Hayley 31st May 2016 / 2:32 pm

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment beautiful lady – it means the world! I really hope this post does help others as I feel it’s what I would have wanted to read at the time! Ah that’s SO lovely of you to say, so glad that we met through blogging my love! <3 xx

  4. Ela 31st May 2016 / 7:54 pm

    I don’t know why people cheat, if they no longer love the one they are in a relationship to, instead of just breaking up and moving forward they choose to cheat. My ex bf cheated on me with not only one but two girls and the sad thing was even my closes friends knew about all these and no one told me anything about it.
    It was different way back, like how your grandparents got married within a year of dating and they are still together. It is almost impossible to find someone who would be in a committed relationship from the beginning.

    Ela BellaWorld

    • Hayley 7th June 2016 / 7:14 pm

      I completely agree love, if you no longer love someone, whether there is someone else or not I think it’s only fair to end it, but some people obviously don’t agree. x

    • Hayley 7th June 2016 / 7:13 pm

      Thank you beautiful! <3 x

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