ON NOT BEING OKAY

I don’t really know where to start with
this. I felt like this would never, ever have happened to me. 

But it has and it
is.
Last week my world fell apart, my boyfriend
of six years ended our relationship because he had feelings for someone else. 
And he’d cheated on me, with her. 
And she was my ‘friend’. 
In fact his
apprentices wife. 
They hadn’t even been married for six months.
How messed up. Even writing this down now
it doesn’t feel real. This kind of shit happens in movies (Jeremy Kyle even), not in real life. 

Not my life. 

But this is my life and he’s gone forever, into the arms of
another and it’s my time to deal with what’s happened. This has genuinely been
the worst week of my life, I’m exhausted, mentally and physically. I’ve haven’t
slept, I can’t eat, my stomach is in knots and I forever feel sick just
thinking about what happened. I just need to know that each day it will get a
tiny bit easier and I just need to keep going on with my life.

As I’m writing this I’m on a flight to
Greece for a blog trip and it genuinely couldn’t have come at a better time! Over
the weekend the last thing I wanted to do was to go on holiday, I just wanted
to lie in bed and be left alone. I wanted people to stop pitying me, or looking
at me like a wounded animal. I wanted to curl up and pretend this wasn’t
happening. How could this be happening? How could he? After six amazing years
together he threw it all away! For what? A shag? Or a half assed relationship?
I know deep down that if they are together it will never work, they both
cheated on their partners to be together so how could they trust each other?
But you know what, it’s not my concern anymore!
I knew that going away would be the best
thing I could have done and even now I’m sitting here listening to Taylor Swift
‘Shake It Off’ and everything seems to be the tinniest bit better than it did
yesterday. And deep down I know this is the worst it’s ever going to feel, and
that as every day passes a small piece of my heart will mend itself. From here
on it’s onwards and upwards.
Even though the last six years were the
best of my life I know there will be new memories that will help me move on and
heal the wound that has been opened. I’m just genuinely so upset at how it had
to end, I will never fully look back on the last six years and be happy because
it’s been tainted by what they did to me. By what he did to me.
Now it’s time to take care of myself, look
after number one as I’ve realized that I’m the one who is now in control of my
happiness. I plan to travel lots, make memories with my beautiful friends,
focus on my wonderful career and one day eventually love again. My aim is to
get myself to a level of happiness that I had with him, heck happier! Then when
my heart is healed I know that I’ll meet someone who will treat me like a
princess, not a doormat.
I’m not really sure what the point of this
post was but I just wanted to let you know what’s going on with me. I’ve
received so much support and kind words the last few days I genuinely can’t
express how much it means to me. I know I’m strong but right now I’m not, I
feel like I’m on a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute I’m so angry, then I
feel heartbroken and like I’ll never be okay again, then I hate them both for
doing this to me, then I feel a slight happiness bubble deep down at what my
future could have in store for me.
Right now I feel like I’m in a dream, like
I’ll just wake up and this will all have been a mistake. He’ll just turn up at
my house like normal but it hurts so much when I think that will never happen
again. I’ll never get to hold him again, to tell him that I love him. He ripped
that all away from me and I hate the fact that I had no choice in the matter. I
never doubted that he would be the one I’d spend the rest of my life with, I
wanted us to marry on a beach in Thailand and have children together. But
now that will never be, he took it all away and I had no say in that. I feel
like someone has died suddenly and I’m grieving for the loss, it’s the worst
feeling but ever but all I can think is that everything happens for a reason
and I genuinely believe that. 
My life is a complete whirlwind right now
but the support everyone has offered is helping to make me strong again because
your kind words are what I need to hear right now. So many people have been in
touch and said the same thing happened to them, how they wish they could take
away the pain and fast forward my life six months so they can show me that I’ll
be okay. Right now, it’s the most excruciating pain but I know it won’t last
forever, my heart has been broken, shattered into a million pieces but it will
heal in time. It feels like I was stabbed in the heart – I kind of wish I had
been as it wouldn’t have heart as much as this did.  I know I’m not the only one who has ever been
heartbroken but my god I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, so I’ll never
understand how they could have done this to me, their ‘friend’.
To anyone who’s going through this, know
that we can walk away with our heads held high. We did nothing wrong and
remember that what goes around comes around. I know it feels like you’ll never
be okay again, but I promise you we will. We will go on to lead fantastic
lives, draw strength from the people who care and love you and know that you’ll
be okay. Thank you to everyone who has cared and offered support for me, it
honestly means the world!
Never forget: ‘You may think the grass is greener on the other side. But if you take the time to water your own grass it would be just as green.’
Next stop: the rest of the world!

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65 Comments

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 7:49 pm

      Thank you so much for your well wishes lovely xx

  1. Síle Murphy 18th June 2015 / 12:46 pm

    Oh Hayley that's just awful news but you have such a good outlook already – stay strong! Grab life with both hands and make the most of all the wonderful opportunities that come your way. x

  2. Virgos and Kisses 18th June 2015 / 12:46 pm

    Hey,

    Hate that you're feeling this way. Heartbreak is a bitch and I for one know first hand. I wish I could say it's going to get better but to be honest it's going to get worse before it gets better. This is the first stage and everyone heals differently. My friends were the best therapy for me as they kept me sane but you need to have those crazy, physco moments just so you can get it out of your system. Also everything happens for a reason – maybe he wasn't right for you and it took something like this for you to realise it?

    And in all honestly, their relationship has been built on lies and deceit, pretty sure they ain't going to get very far!

    Have a look at a post I wrote when I came out the other side: http://www.virgosandkisses.com/2014/06/my-truth-my-20s.html I hope it helps and enjoy Greece! x

    Michelle x

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 7:52 pm

      Loved reading this post lady! Thank you for your lovely comment – I'm definitely on the mend now 🙂 x

  3. lauren bovill 18th June 2015 / 1:13 pm

    I think it's so brave how honest you've been on this! It's the worst thing to go through but time is definitely the best healer! XXX

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 7:54 pm

      Thank you lovely – it was a hard one to write but I'm so glad I did! x

  4. Emily 18th June 2015 / 1:22 pm

    It's horrible to read that this has happened to you 🙁 You sound like you're being so strong though and doing all the right things. Give yourself time to greive and even though it doesn't seem like it right now (or ever) things will get better with time. Trust me! Look after yourself and remember what a pig ignorant shit he is! I hope you have a lovely holiday xx

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 7:55 pm

      Haha your comment cracked me up lovely! Thank you for your support though 🙂 xx

  5. Kirsty Wears Blog 18th June 2015 / 2:40 pm

    Oh Hayley that is just horrendous, you deserve SO much more than that girl. You're beautiful, talented and such a lovely person and anyone who doesn't see that are complete twats and are not worth another second of your time. I cannot begin to understand how your feeling but I can promise you that everything will be ok and you are on your journey to bigger and better things!!!!! Sending you a giant virtual hug (when I'm back in the UK I'll give you the real thing, hehe) lots of love lovely lady xxxxxxxxxx

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 7:56 pm

      Girl – your comment means the world and more! You're such a sweetheart – thank you! Apparently people don't realise what they have until it's gone – but I think thats utter crap as it shouldn't take that to realise! I can't wait to see you soon beautiful, love you! xxxxx

  6. Anastasia from Natbeesfashion 18th June 2015 / 3:06 pm

    I am sorry about this Hayley, no one deserves to have such an ending after 6 years of relationship. I dont know if it would help you to realise it from his behaviour earlier or if it is better that you know it now, but in any case my advice would be not to post/talk about it, dont think of them, dont care about them. I know it sounds like a very difficult task since it has happened very recently but what life taught me is that the rest you reveal about your feelings and the more fun you will have the more questionmarks and regrets he will have. So if you want my piece of advice forget about the whole thing, be above everything/everyone and look ONLY after yourself. Take it as a great life lesson and schedule your next big trip 😉 And who knows you might find a new boyfriend the moment you least expect it 🙂
    Have fun in Greece and promise not to drop a tear.

    xx
    Anastasia

  7. Katie 18th June 2015 / 3:10 pm

    Such a gorgeously honest blog post and that last line is amazing! You have so many incredible things ahead of you. Keep strong gorgeous.

    Katie <3

  8. Heather McKnight 18th June 2015 / 3:54 pm

    It sucks to know that people you consider friends and loved ones can do that, and it's scary to give the power to somebody to allow them to totally destroy you, but it does get easier. It's the betrayal of the friendship that meant more than the arse that you considered your partner for the last 6 years, and it does get easier. You'll soon realise how much better off you are without them, and you'll look back and laugh at this and actually thank them for giving you the ability to truly find yourself, figure out your life and one day, you'll be able to move on, and give so much more to yourself, and your partner. You're strong, and extremely beautiful, Hayley. Even if you don't feel it right now. Enjoy your holiday, and enjoy figuring yourself out over the next year! xxx

    Heather, porcelainbeautyx

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 7:59 pm

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment lady – I completely agree that this was meant to happen to set me free to discover who I really am. I know there's so much more out there for me now! xx

  9. glenka 18th June 2015 / 4:08 pm

    I am so sorry to hear this, it was very brave of you to write this post. You sound like you are a strong woman and it will take time to get over it but in the end you will lead a better and happier life without him.
    You must make sure you take all the time you need and try and take care of yourself.
    Take care and all the best.

    Kelly.

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:00 pm

      Thank you so much Kelly – it was a hard one to write but I'm glad I could get it off my chest and share it with you all! x

  10. Leticia 18th June 2015 / 6:23 pm

    My heart goes out to you love! This is such a terrible thing to experience, especially after 6 years together. But you are right, each day you will get better and your life. Stay strong!

  11. S, x 18th June 2015 / 7:12 pm

    SUCH a brave post to write. You should be so proud of how you have handled this – your attitude it just amazing. Keep your head held high and have the time of your LIFE. Sending love xxx

    Sophie Cliff

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:00 pm

      Thanks so much Sophie, a lovely comment! x

  12. Lauren S 18th June 2015 / 7:41 pm

    I'm so sorry you're transitioning through all of this right now, the pain is horrible and the circumstances are the absolute worst, but your outlook on the next chapter of you life is so uplifting to see – reinventing yourself and your life, embracing the change will make you become a stronger and more rounded person. I wish I'd written something like this at the time of my breakup instead of how it all played out after, I hope you're finding relief and happiness <3

    Lauren x
    Britton Loves | Lifestyle Food Beauty

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:01 pm

      Thank you lovely, I'm really finding it such a nice outlet to talk about it and share it with you guys! I'm really excited to focus on myself from now on and to see what the future has in store for me! xx

  13. Joanna. 18th June 2015 / 7:52 pm

    I love the way you've written this – life is so shit sometimes, completely out the blue, but you know what, stuff it, make yourself happy! That little happiness bubble that you feel is the thing you need to grab onto. That uncertainty of the future, of what it might bring, of what you could do/be/make/change is awesome. You are awesome, and your future will be too. Enjoy Greece and enjoy the ride, however hard it is now, it'll be the making of you and you will be great!

    ohhellojo.blogspot.com

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:02 pm

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment beautiful! I truly believe it will be the making of me too – it's nice to focus on myself for a bit and figure out what I really want! xx

  14. Erin Russell 18th June 2015 / 7:56 pm

    This time two years ago I could have written that post, only I had his baby too.. He had ran off and left me for someone else, someone childless, free, someone who's body wasn't stretched or broken. Left me I holding our baby with bills to pay and no childcare. I have never been so low. I didn't think I would ever feel happy again, I didn't think anyone could love me, or I could trust anyone again.

    Two years on I don't pity that time, or wish anything different, it will be the strongest moment of your life, picking up all the broken pieces and putting them back together the way you want them. I learned a lot about myself, and I'm sure you will too. So I know your pain, I know it hurts like none other you have felt before, but I will tell you what I told myself on repeat "sometimes things have to go wrong in order to go right"

    Two years on my sons father is about to marry my ex friend who he cheated on me with, but he now cheats on her, she has little friends left here, my son is an amazing boy, I couldn't be more proud, I have lost two stone, and met the most incredible man, someone who loves me more than I could ever have thought possible, it makes me cry just thinking about how lucky I am now, there are no words.

    I'm a true believer in karma now. They got what they deserved, each other, and I went though hell and back and came out happier than I ever thought possible. So take your time now, take the time you need to hurt, to grieve, to just mourn the relationship. Then pick yourself up and carry on, because I promise in two years time you'll be looking back thinking of how it really was the best outcome, and you can tell someone else that they will be alright Too

    Feel free to message me if you want a chat, all my love

    MakeErinOver

    • Laura VonKa 18th June 2015 / 9:33 pm

      Hi Erin, sorry to hear that, that's why I would urge our friend here to light up. Seeing somebody's true self after 6 years is so much better than after 10 and eventually with a family too. People don't change, so sooner or later he would have shown his face. And I say better now than later. Good luck to you too, courageous lady!

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:09 pm

      Erin, wow – what an incredibly strong and inspirational lady you are! I am honestly so, so happy that things turned out the way they have for you – you deserve to be treated like a princess! I can't imagine how it must have felt for you – what I felt was awful but the fact you had your little boy too – but at least we are rid of toxic people and can move on with out lives.

      Wishing you all the best lovely lady! xxx

  15. Jess | Just Jesss 18th June 2015 / 9:42 pm

    I'm so sorry – I know how you're feeling, something very similar happened to me around this time last year. It's shit and so hard but you're right each day is a tiny bit easier and it's good to take time to focus on yourself again for a while! Hope your trip to Greece went well 🙂

    Jess xo
    http://just-jesss.blogspot.co.uk

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:11 pm

      Thank you lovely lady – hope it all worked out well for you! <3 x

  16. Holly Olivia 18th June 2015 / 9:45 pm

    I'm so sorry to hear about this! At the end of the day, there isn't anything you can do to change it and he's the one who is missing out on you. By the sounds of how it ended, he isn't worth worrying over because he clearly can't make up his mind about what he wants and shouldn't have treated you like this! I hope you feel better soon and hopefully your time away will help you to heal.

    Holly x

    http://www.hollyoliviacreates.blogspot.co.uk

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:24 pm

      Thanks for your comment lovely – I completely agree it was just a case of riding it out! xx

  17. Traci J 19th June 2015 / 2:38 am

    In winter of 2014 my boyfriend of nearly 3 years ended our relationship – and I took a huge blogging hiatus. I couldn't bring myself to even write a thing. Finally – I let it all out. It was a long healing process for me – and I cannot even begin to try to understand or know how long it will be for you. But I know that things fall apart so they can fall back together. And I cannot wait to see what the future has in store for you. Thanks for sharing this on your blog – it's something others can relate to (sadly) and hopefully it brought a bit of relief for you. Stay strong, my dear! xx

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:25 pm

      Thanks so much lovely, so sorry you had to go through it too – it's awful but I truly believe it has to fall apart to fall together too! Writing about it was really therapeutic for me and I'm so glad I could share it with you all! xx

  18. Becks 19th June 2015 / 6:31 am

    I'm so sorry, I'm recovering from an out of the blue break up too and it's the worst. As you know and everyone's said, it takes time but having things like your amazing blog to throw yourself into is the thing that helps get you through! You're fab and someone else will realise that and never let you go.

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:39 pm

      Thanks lovely – time is an amazing healer! x

  19. Beautylyme 19th June 2015 / 7:37 am

    What a fool he is to give up on a 6 year relationship for what will most probably be a fling. A nasty pair. Onwards & upwards for you, darling! xx

    Beautylymin

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:39 pm

      Completely agree lovely, their loss and no-one else's! xx

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:40 pm

      Thank you lady – Greece was amazing and just what I needed! x

  20. Emily Trinh 19th June 2015 / 10:22 am

    I'm really sorry to hear this happened to you. Just last month, I found out that my boyfriend of two years had another girlfriend for one and a half of those years, and it just broke my heart. Writing about it on my blog was quite therapeutic for me, so I hope this post helped a little bit for you as well.

    The best thing that you can do for yourself is hold you head up high and know that it is his loss in the end for throwing away someone so amazing for someone who would cheat on her own husband. And then maybe one day, you might even thank him for making you a much stronger person, and for showing you that you deserve better.

    I hope you have an amazing time in Greece. It's easier said than done, but hopefully this will help you take your mind off things. And like you said, onwards and upwards from here!

    Emily xx
    http://www.emilytrinh.com

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:41 pm

      God I'm so sorry lovely, what an awful thing to go through! Guys really are something else aren't they?! But yes it's already taught me how strong I am on my own! We'll both be better off, don't ever forget that! xx

  21. Eleanor 19th June 2015 / 3:37 pm

    I had a tear in my eye reading this, because I went through something similar just over a year ago and I felt everything you wrote. I am so, so sorry you are going through this, because it was probably the most horrific thing I've ever gone through, but equally it changed me for the better and often I struggle to remember the person I was before. Life is sent to try us, as they say – and what a cliche, I know, but what doesn't kill you truly does make you stronger. Enjoy your trip as much as you can and just take each day as it comes. The pain will eventually ease, I promise you, but it takes time. I know I don't know you, but I so feel for you, and I truly believe you will be a stronger person because of all of this. I have often wanted to write about my experience but felt (still feel) too ashamed to, so I really admire you for being so brave and honest. xxx

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:43 pm

      Sorry to hear that you wen through something similar lovely, what a horrible situation for both of us but like you'll said we'll only come off stronger! I hope all is well for you now my love xx

  22. Aimee Bell 19th June 2015 / 4:02 pm

    Hi Hun,

    So sorry to hear you are going through a breakup Ive had a couple of tough ones these last couple of years and they are never nice. You never seem to get used to it however once the sadness has passed you focus on the positives that you have learnt from that relationship & it makes you a better stronger person from it.
    My gran always cheers me up by saying dont worry, you just have to go through the bad frogs to find your true prince charming. It might happen when your 16 or 67 you will find that person one day and you will realised why it never worked out with anyone else.

    Enjoy being single & free, focusing on your friends, your family, your career and having an awesome time being you for a while, starting with this weekend in Greece!

    Have an amazing break away hun & you always have us readers to help you get through this too 🙂

    Lots of Love A xxxx

    http://aimeebellmua.blogspot.co.uk

  23. Bonita Rochelle 19th June 2015 / 7:05 pm

    You are worth more than someone who will even look at another woman whilst being with you.. And always remember that. It's his loss, and this is a lesson in life we all have to go through, it's hard but it won't last forever, and this will build your character so much, just deal with it, cry if you need to.. Don't hold the emotion in. I pray that you'll be okay and this will not be detrimental to your life in any way other than the obvious. You got this xx

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:43 pm

      Thank you for such a lovely comment girl – means the world! And you're right, I do deserve better and I know one day I'll find it! 🙂 xx

  24. Ria 20th June 2015 / 12:12 pm

    You deserve so much more and you are worth so much more and this horrible, horrible feeling will pass I promise you that. You should also add and listen to Clean, New Romantics, and then Shake It Off by Taylor Swift in that order, I have first hand experience that this mini playlist will totally get you out of a funk. Have fun in Greece, embrace this new chapter of your life! Big love R. Xx

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:44 pm

      Thanks so much lady – downloading those songs now! 🙂 x

  25. Sophie Harrison 20th June 2015 / 11:36 pm

    Life is all too cruel at times, and it upsets me so much when clearly wonderful people are hurt by it.

    It will get better though. I know right now these words will seem empty, and impossible to believe, but your happiness is not built on anyone but you. Incidentally i shared a post today and one of the CS Lewis quotes might fit: "don't let your happiness depend on something you may lose".

    You have enough personal strength and beauty and talent and worth to go around the world and back. You certainly have enough to make your life as wonderful as you want it to be x

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:46 pm

      Sophie I can't tell you how much your comment meant to me, such beautiful words – thank you so much! I'm so much stronger now and continue to grow everyday <3 xx

  26. Frankly Flawless - 21st June 2015 / 8:35 am

    That's awful i'm so sorry. I get you've been together for a long time and there will probably still be feelings there that are hard to shake off but if he did this to you then clearly he wasn't the one and in a way he's done you a favour because now you are on your way to finding the right person for you…..xx

    franklyflawless.com

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:47 pm

      I completely agree love, and sometimes it takes shitty things like this for us to realise but I believe that everything happens for a reason! <3 x

  27. Emma Heapy 22nd June 2015 / 5:14 pm

    How awful! If it helps I had a very similar thing happen to me many years ago and everything happens for a reason as I'm now married to best friend! That toe rag is still up to the same tricks behind his wifes back (the one he cheated on me with) Hold your head up high and show that sh!t just what he's lost. The grass is never greener… xx

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:48 pm

      Thank you lady – I truly believe that too! I'm so glad that you find happiness with your best friend, everything really does happen for a reason! xx

  28. Abbie 23rd June 2015 / 10:16 pm

    Jesus, what an absolute arsehole. Greece couldn't have come at a better time, hope you had a fabulous break and it helped the healing process. Big love xx

    fashiontatt.blogspot.com

  29. Molly 24th June 2015 / 6:28 am

    Ah I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through, as you said I truly wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's amazing to see how positive you've been about what the future holds, it's very inspiring, I honestly couldn't have put it any better myself as you've used all the little quotes and phrases I usually use to comfort my loved ones haha :') My thoughts are with you at this rubbish time, I look forward to seeing you wholly happy again without that idiot! Much love! xxxxx

    • Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:49 pm

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment Molly – it means so much! xx

  30. Hayley Rubery 8th September 2015 / 8:11 pm

    Hey lovely – thanks so much for your lovely comment! Exactly, at least I saw his true colours sooner rather than later which I'm thankful for! xx

  31. Hayley Francesca 29th May 2016 / 10:22 pm

    Read this today because today I suffered a break up. Not with a boy but with a friend, a girl who I was friends with for the past 12 years. We’d drifted apart, I thought that is what happens sometimes when people change and their lives change. However, today she told me that she didn’t want to grow close again, she didn’t think of me as a friend anymore and that I said goodbye to our friendship when I started hanging out with other friends over her – girls who I am now very close to and who have supported me through the months when she was absent. I don’t understand what I did wrong – nothing as far as I can see. We just drifted apart. But apparently I’m two faced for hanging out with other people and ‘pretending I ever cared about her’. She tells me all this – on my birthday. I feel like shit. Like you did. I feel like I cannot look back on all those times without looking at how it ended. I see you now though. How you have moved on, followed your dreams and been true to yourself and are now truly happy. Maybe these things happen to us for the better. It’s natures way of ridding us of the negativity in our lives and making us who we are. Today I feel like shit. But looking at where you are now, makes me feel that tomorrow, next week, next month it will get better. Well done on all your success Hayley, you deserve it! xx

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